Six Boundaries that Can Change Your Life

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Snapwire/CC0

Why are boundaries important?

Last month, my colleague, Caroline, shared with you the purpose and benefits of saying “no” and it’s absolute importance when setting healthy boundaries in her blog post, "When Saying No is Actually Saying Yes." She helped us recognize and acknowledge our feelings around setting effective boundaries and in the process sparked additional intrigue for me…how do we know what healthy boundaries are and how do we know how they’ve been crossed?

To help us build this emotional intelligence and self-awareness, it’s helpful to explore the moments that you are feeling that distress to discover what boundary violations are occurring. Understanding these six types of boundaries will help us establish healthier boundaries with others and cultivate a healthier sense of self overall.

What kinds of boundaries are there?

1. Physical

These boundaries include personal space and physical touch. Has anyone ever rummaged through your purse without asking or hugged you after just meeting them? Do either of these examples make you squirm? That reactivity is your body telling you a physical boundary, whether it’s your personal body space or your personal environment, has been violated. You’re likely to welcome a hug from a long-time friend over a stranger on the street, just as you are likely to be more comfortable allowing your daughter to grab your phone out of your purse than you might be with a passerby in the store. Healthy physical boundaries include an awareness of what’s appropriate in varying settings and relationships.

2. Emotional

These boundaries refer to our feelings, including our expressiveness of them. These can be violated when we are criticized or invalidated. Has anyone ever said to you “there’s no reason to be upset” or “you’re making a big deal out of nothing.” Even if they’re trying to console you, this can feel damaging and leave us feeling unheard and dismissed. You’re likely to be more vulnerable and confide in a friend who has been through multiple life transitions with you compared to a blind date that you’re meeting for the first time. Healthy emotional boundaries include personal limitations we set for sharing personal information, which includes when this information is shared and with whom.

3. Intellectual

These boundaries are slightly less obvious, yet likely happen more often than we think. Intellectual boundaries refer to our thoughts and ideas and are often violated when someone dismisses or belittles them. Have you ever had an idea you were excited about that was quickly shut down by someone you shared it with, leaving you feeling like you wanted to hide in a hole for weeks afterwards? Or maybe you’ve shared some insight on a political topic (who hasn’t these days) and been berated about it from an opposing party? It happens all the time. Healthy intellectual boundaries will include respectfulness and a willingness to understand not only one’s own ideas and values but others as well, even if they are opposing of our own.

4. Sexual

These boundaries compile the physical, emotional and intellectual aspects of sexuality. What does this mean? Essentially any unwanted sexual touch, ogling from others, sexual comments, or pressure to engage in sexual acts can qualify as a destruction of a sexual boundary. Curious about what the #MeToo movement represents? This is it folks – violated sexual boundaries. Healthy sexual boundaries will include consent, mutual agreement, respect and understanding of limits and desires that have been discussed between intimate or sexual partners.

5. Material

These boundaries refer to personal possessions. Does someone you know always ask to borrow money but never pay you back? Or maybe you lent your friend an iPad and they returned it broken? When someone pressures you to give or lend them your possessions or steals, damages or destroys your possessions, the boundary has likely been violated. Healthy material boundaries include limitations on what you choose to share and with whom.

6. Time

These boundaries reference how we use our time. These boundaries are a bit trickier to notice but are very apparent all the same. They are often violated when someone demands too much of another’s time. Do you find yourself always setting aside your own plans because a friend constantly wants to hang out instead? Or maybe your partner gives you grief for trying to take time for yourself or hang out with friends? Healthy time boundaries can be implemented by setting aside time for the various facets of our lives including work, hobbies and relationships in consideration of your values and priorities.

How to establish boundaries

These boundaries can seem tedious when we reflect on just how many variables cultivate our initial reactivity. But there’s a notable difference to negotiate. The dynamic of the environment or relationship for each is important for us to note in order to help us set clearer healthier boundaries overall. But how do we do this?

You know your body better than anyone else and if you are experiencing distress, it’s likely that a boundary is being crossed. Your boundaries are unique to you and they’re going to likely look different than others around you based on your comfort level with varying relationships, environments and culture.

Listen to what your body is telling you, be curious about the situation that’s evoking the overwhelm and as Caroline reminds us, “check-in if you’re emotionally exhausted or over-committed…slow down and re-asses.” Tune into your feelings, practice assertively addressing your limits, and take care of yourself along the way. This awareness will go a long way with helping you implement healthy boundaries for a happier and healthier sense of self.

To schedule an appointment with Alyssa Cornett, MA, LMFT-Associate, call 737-226-3803.

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How to Identify the Signs of Addiction Relapse.

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Pixabay/CC0

Relapse is the eye of the addiction storm.

Addiction can be a heavy-handed topic, and it’s not always a pleasant conversation to have. But if you’re struggling with reading about it, imagine what it might be like to live with it. Help me spread the word; help others understand it, and help those with it so we can end it. We need to continue to better understand addiction so we know how to stay connected and supportive of those battling it.

In order to further your understanding I’m going to talk about relapse, and even more importantly, I’m going to talk about how to identify several warning signs of relapse.

What is relapse? And when does relapse occur?

Relapse is a process, not a single event. 

It's an addict’s return to the addiction cycle or worse.  Clinically, relapse is the physical act of someone in recovery putting alcohol/drugs into their body. That length of sobriety could have been one day or fifty years but when that substance enters their body the sobriety clock resets. As I said though, relapse is a process and just as anyone in addiction will tell you they didn’t wake up one day and choose to be an addict. No one in recovery just stops and says “today’s the day I return to rock bottom.”  The process can be short and in earlier sobriety it might only be a month or a few weeks but more often it’s slow with several elements occurring subtly over time.

What are the relapse warning signs?

There are several different warning signs but in order to make them easy to remember I want you think of AA. Alcoholics anonymous is most known for its’ ties with helping those in addiction fight for recovery so it’s perfect that the warning signs of future relapse can be broken down into two categories; Attitudes and Actions (AA).

1. Attitudes

One of biggest warning signs I see – especially in early sobriety – is overconfidence. It’s the string of thoughts and sometimes outright statements that imply “I know everything I need to know” and “I can do this on my own.” Don’t get me wrong, having a sense of confidence and pride in what you’ve learned in treatment and/or meetings is powerful (and needed). However, when someone in recovery stops being willing to accept the support, advice or accountability of others there should be some red flags and alarms going off.

Another major warning sign of relapse is when someone in recovery becomes emotionally overloaded. More often than not this occurs as a reaction to an event like a job loss, afamily member passing away or a relationship ending, however medication changes and existing mental illness (like depression or bipolar) can also be a cause. These intense emotional moments will look like an exaggerated departure from the person in recovery’s normal emotional state. This could look like anxiety turning into panic, sadness shifting to grief or anger becoming rage.

2. Actions

One of the biggest warning signs at any point in recovery is Isolation. For any number of reasons, many in addiction put distance between those around them before relapse; this includes family, friends, loved ones, etc. This could be subtle like missing/skipping scheduled meetings or events like lunch dates, support group meetings, or work. It might also be more confrontational like lashing out or manipulating conversation in a manner that makes you feel as if you want/need to leave.

The last major warning sign relates more to inaction than action and can best be described as a general lack of self-care. A few examples of this could be eating poorly, exercising less or not at all, and/or maintaining unhealthy sleeping patterns. You might also notice that the person in recovery has a decreased interest in engaging in the activities or hobbies that you know they enjoy. This is especially important to notice because in addition to being a warning sign of future relapse it could also be an early sign of depression.

What do I do once I've seen the signs of addiction relapse?

Whether you’ve just seen one of them or all of them, you simply reach out. There are several ways to treat addiction but each of them starts with a conversation where you offer your ear and your heart. They might not be ready to share their thoughts or feelings with you at the moment but by keeping the conversation and the support open-ended, they will know they are loved and that someone else is willing to fight Addiction alongside them.

To schedule an appointment with Kendall Campbell, LMFT-Associate, Call 512-920-3654.

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